~Rallya

Today I find myself in a most strange mood. It seems to be a combination of something happy and something sad, neither of which I can apparently name. I haven't quite grasped the idea behind these "emotions" if I may call them that and I certainly don't have an adequate expression that goes with them - thus, my face is in a constant state of confusion which resembles the current state of my mind as well as that of my soul, or whatever you may wish to call it. What I am feeling right now is simply unexplainable for I can't seem to understand it.
It all came to me, one rainy autumn day as I was waiting for the bus in a quiet bus station where many people stood still as they watched time fly by. There were no sounds other than the fall of the rain drops and the soft breathing of the group. Of course, they were nothing but strangers, who had nothing in common and no reason to talk to each other - that was not it. I'm not quite sure what hit me but... it felt as if I were a lonely existence in a world filled with lonely existences such as myself, unable to touch or comfort each other in any possible way. Truth is, we meet and we talk and we become friends or more than that. Still, what makes you think that you truly know someone and that you aren't just strangers going the same way? One day, the common way might stop and then you will find yourself a lonely existence once again without anyone to count on but the next stranger on the way. Is that it? No, that wasn't what hit me either because, despite thinking that way at the time, I don't believe in those words at all - not one bit. People might be lonely because everyone is scared of taking the first step and don't get me wrong, I haven't said I'm not. If in that bus station, one of those randomly put people had opened their mouth to say a simple line, something important might have happened. Who knows? Friendships could have been created or smiles could have been given to those in need of warmth and something to ease their loneliness could have been given too - a thing that would have shown them that despite being a stranger, someone cares.
Then, on my way home, while thinking about something else, I encountered a lady that wished to share her umbrella with me as I hadn't got one at the moment. That was the gesture that could have given someone a little bit of warmth... I wasn't in need of it yet I appreciated the gesture - that was perhaps only out of politeness - more than ever. I refused as I enjoyed the rain but I smiled widely and started a conversation... it was nice to think that someone out there was willing to share an umbrella with a stranger, for whatever the reasons.
I don't know... I am most probably overreacting as I am feeling more sensitive today than I have ever felt before. Then again, perhaps I'm not... I was thinking about how people always take things too lightly and how I always seem to take them too seriously. Then, I thought that I was foolish that day. A smile isn't enough to make you happy, a comment isn't enough to give you friends and neither of them are enough to cure loneliness. They show you that you are not alone but that's so very different than being lonely.
I know what triggered this all and the worst part is that I have no way of doing what I want to do in order to make it stop. I can't say what I want to say because I have no reason for saying it - and that is all so stupid that it makes me sick. Still, if I did say it I might cause more damage than good so I suppose I should keep quiet now and be patient. I'm not scared of making the first step that much; what I'm truly scared of is facing the consequences that first step might bring. I am not scared of giving a smile but I am scared of what that smile might mean to someone else - I fear being needed as I fear failing the expectations of those that need me the most. So many times I've wanted to say more to someone, to convince that person that I was right and yet I was frightened that if I did, I might hurt them more than ever.
It's weird how my mind goes and there's no way of predicting how it will go next... I'm weird and this whole journal is weird and it will keep being weird until I end it. I guess it's about time to do that, too. I am sorry if you read it because it's pretty much a waste of your time as I haven't made either one of the points that I so deeply wanted to make. Stil, I felt like writing more than I felt like explaining, I felt like phrasing it more than I felt like understanding what I meant.
The whole thing about the bus station is just what took me all the way but not the main point - not even close. It's stupid to think about that as you get wet in a rainy area but... what isn't? Of course no one would have smiled at someone saying something like "Damn that bus... why isn't it coming?" and that was pretty much the only thing anyone could have said. But still... it wasn't really about that situation but more about life in general. People are always scared of going first and it's understandable, really, but if you don't make the first step and no one else does, you will end up feeling lonely in a bus station. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands and act or learn how to react... "Shy" doesn't cut it; it doesn't work. If you don't try, there probably won't be anyone that will try for you. If you do try, maybe it will give the others courrage to follow.
I'm not making any sense now... nevermind (though I don't really get to say that after having written so much and yet so useless). If you did read it until the end I feel like praising your patience for it is truly unlimited and you are one of a kind. Thank you!

And what I did forget to mention is that a smile should be enough to give you at least a little bit of warmth, a little bit of comfort. I kept trying to ease someone's troubles with words and it wasn't enough... my smile wouldn't have been it either because it takes not one person but all those available and usually no one is willing to smile for anyone anymore - not that way because no one smiles to ease troubles but they smile for themselves and nothing more. It's sad... it's weird and sad.
I just realized that there's nothing happy about this whole thing other than the fact that I've realized something which I can't actually point out. Hmm...